Groucho Marx Quotes

“Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week.”

“Jail is no place for a young fellow. There's no advancement.”

“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”

“Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.”

“Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!”

“Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.”

“Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.”

“I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.”

“Humor is reason gone mad.”

“If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.”

“Always examine the dice.”

“Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?" Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.”

“Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.”

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.”

“Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!”

“Do you mind if I don't smoke?”

“How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.”

“While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.”

“I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid.”

“When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.”

“If you were a man, you'd go into businessfor yourself. I know a fellow who started out last year with just acanoe. Now he's got more women than you can shake a stick at, ifthat's your idea of a good time.”

“Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies.”

“We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.”

“Don't let the fear of the thorn keep you from the rose.”

“Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.”