Phyllis Diller Quotes

“Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.”

“My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.”

“Comedy is tragedy revisited.”

“The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.”

“Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.”

“I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.”

“You want to look younger... rent smaller children.”

“My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.”

“get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.”

“Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.”

“I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.”

“For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.”

“When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.”

“I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!”

“Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.”

“Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.”

“My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.”

“Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.”

“If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.”

“[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.”

“My father used to call me the laughing hyena.”

“Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.”