Phyllis Diller Quotes

“Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.”

“On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn't have found it so hard to go ahead with it if I had realized that having a baby was the only way I could ever become a grandmother.”

“He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.”

“If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.”

“I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.”

“My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.”

“Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.”

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”

“It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.”

“Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.”

“One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!”

“The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.”

“You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.”

“Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?”

“I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.”

“We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.”

“Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.”

“I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'”

“When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.”

“I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.”

“I am constantly being asked about individuals. The only way to win is as a team. Football is not about one or two or three star players.”

“Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.”

“My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.”

“My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.”

“I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed."”