Rita Rudner Quotes

“It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.”

“When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.”

“I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.”

“The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.”

“I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum.”

“Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”

“My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home.”

“I knew so little about money I used to sign my check, "Love, Rita."”

“There is a woman who swam around Manhattan, and I asked her, why? She said, it hadn't ever been done before. Well, she didn't have to do that. If she wanted to something no one had ever done before, all she had to do was vacuum my apartment.”

“My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.”

“Men in high levels of government seldom surf.”

“Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.”

“I loved my mother very much, but she was not a good cook. Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. In our house Thanksgiving was a time for sorrow.”

“I want to have young children although my mother and father are even now young sufficient to just take care of them.”

“The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.”

“Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.”

“They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.”

“While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch.”

“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.”

“I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.”

“When I want to end a relationship I just say, 'You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.' Sometimes they leave skid marks.”

“When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can't they just get lost?”

“Men don't mature. Marry a younger one.”

“If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.”

“I paid attention to not being a comedian, and just concentrated on being who I was. That is what you have to do. If you say you are a comedian that has been done before. If you just be who you are then you are unique. Everyone is unique.”