Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

I can't get no respect.

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first cameback my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.

You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.