Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

“Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.”

“Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.”

“Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.”

“Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!”

“My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.”

“I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!”

“My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.”

“My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.”

“I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.”

“I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."”

“My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.”

“Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.”

“I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.”

“I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.”

“My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.”

“When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.”

“I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.”

“My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.”

“When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.”

“My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.”

“If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.”

“Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”

“I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.”

“Man, who don't like spaghetti?”

“When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."”