Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

“Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'”

“This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.”

“I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.”

“What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.”

“He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.”

“Life's a short trip. You'll find out.”

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.”

“If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.”

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”

“One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".”

“When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.”

“I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.”

“My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.”

“You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.”

“My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.”

“I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.”

“She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.”

“I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.”

“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”

“My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'”

“I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.”

“And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!”

“I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!”

“I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.”

“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”