Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

“Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.”

“My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!”

“I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.”

“With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.”

“When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.”

“With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.”

“Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.”

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.”

“What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.”

“I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.”

“You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.”

“I don't get no respect, no respect at all!”

“She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.”

“My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.”

“I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.”

“I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.”

“I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.”

“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”

“Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!”

“When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!”

“I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.”

“Comedy is a camouflage for depression.”

“You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.”

“My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."”

“In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.”