George Carlin Quotes

“I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.”

“Is there another word for synonym?”

“Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying.”

“Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.”

“Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?”

“Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking”

“If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.”

“When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.”

“I'm 63 now. But that's just 17 Celsius.”

“I consider the coke a major cause. Of course, you could also make the argument that because cocaine speeds up the heart, it's good for you.”

“We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.”

“Have you noticed when you wear a hat for a long time it feels like it's not there anymore? And then when you take it off it feels like it's still there?”

“Tonight's forecast: DARK. Continued mostly dark tonight, turning to wildly scattered light in the morning”

“Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?”

“Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose ofgovernment intervention and mountains of bureaucracy.”

“Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away.”

“My tombstone? I'm thinking something along the lines of, 'Geez, he was just here a minute ago.'”

“Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.”

“Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.”

“But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!”

“When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.”

“Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!”

“I was trying to get out of the night clubs and was thinking maybe I'll go to the colleges now; that's where you can speak your mind.”

“Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.”

“By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”