“The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.”
“Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.”
“I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.”
“I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.”
“Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.”
“Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.”
“Never give a sucker an even break.”
“I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.”
“It is funnier to bend things than to break them.”
“Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?”
“It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.”
“All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.”
“Never work with animals or children.”
“I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine”
“I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.”
“You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.”
“I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.”
“Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.”
“There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.”
“In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.”
“Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.”
“There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.”
“I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.”
“I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.”
“I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.”
