“I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck”
“What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.”
“Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!”
“I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.”
“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”
“I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.”
“When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.”
“It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.”
“It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason”
“Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)”
“I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.”
“If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.”
“I never met a kid I liked.”
“Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.”
“You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.”
“The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.”
“I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.”
“I never eat before breakfast.”
“No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.”
“I like children. If they're properly cooked.”
“When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.”
“When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.”
“Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.”
“You can't cheat an honest man.”
“Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.”
