Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

“When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.”

“I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!”

“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.”

“The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.”

“I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.”

“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”

“To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.”

“I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.”

“my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens”

“With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.”

“People seldom live up to their baby pictures.”

“She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.”

“One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!”

“I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.”

“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.”

“I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.”

“My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.”

“When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.”

“Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.”

“I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.”

“I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?”

“I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?”

“It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.”

“If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.”

“I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.”