Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.”

“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”

“Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.”

“It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.”

“It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.”

“It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.”

“I can't get no respect.”

“My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.”

“I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother”

“A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.”

“At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.”

“I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.”

“I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.”

“When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.”

“Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.”

“There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.”

“My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.”

“For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.”

“My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.”

“Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.”

“You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.”

“When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.”

“What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!”

“I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.”

“I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.”