“If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it.”
“To sell something, tell a woman it's a bargain; tell a man it's deductible.”
“An exhaustive study of police records shows that no woman has ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes.”
“A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings.”
“Many a standing ovation has been caused by someone jumping to his feet in an effort to beat the rest of the audience to the parking lot.”
“Benjamin Franklin may have discovered electricity, but it was the man who invented the meter who made the money.”
“Modern man drives a mortgaged car over a bond-financed highway on credit-card gas.”
“Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough.”
“A bachelor is a guy who leans toward women - but not far enough to lose his balance.”
“Today's accent may be on youth, but the stress is still on the parents.”
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt.”
“If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”
“You may not be able to read a doctor's handwriting and prescription, but you'll notice his bills are neatly typewritten.”
“Today, there are three kinds of people: the haves, the have-nots, and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-haves.”
“This is the age of bargain hunters. If it had been this way in biblical times, we'd probably have been offered another commandment free if we had accepted the first ten.”
“Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't.”
“Somebody figured it out- we have 35 million laws trying to enforce Ten Commandments.”
“A woman may race to get a man a gift but it always ends in a tie.”
“Poise: the ability to be ill at ease inconspicuously.”
“Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.”
“If you look like your passport photo, in all probability you need the journey.”
“Always remember, money isn't everything - but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense.”
“The fastest way for a politician to become an elder statesman is to lose an election.”
“Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death.”
“He's an honest man - you could shoot craps with him over the telephone.”
