California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.
Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.
I never eat before breakfast.
I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.
I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.
There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.
I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.
The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
You can't cheat an honest man.
Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)
I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.
Never work with animals or children.
I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck
When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.
I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.
It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.
Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.
If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.
Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner.
I like children. If they're properly cooked.
I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.
Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.
It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.
Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.
When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.
The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.
All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.
I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.
Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
I like children - fried.
