“I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?”
“Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.”
“The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.”
“If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.”
“I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.”
“Happiness means quiet nerves.”
“California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.”
“What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?”
“Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.”
“Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.”
“When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.”
“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.”
“Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.”
“I must have a drink of breakfast.”
“Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.”
“Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.”
“The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.”
“I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.”
“I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.”
“Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.”
“Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.”
“I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.”
“I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.”
“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”
“I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.”
