Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) was an American stand-up comedian. He was known for his surreal humor and deadpan delivery. His comedy featured short, often one-line jokes. They were mixed with absurd elements. Hedberg's style gained him a cult following. Audience members sometimes finished his jokes for him.

Professions: Comedian

Nationalities: American

Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wa...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, yo...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if yo...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones....
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters....
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening ...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funn...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out....
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I thin...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say,
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread,...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, ...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: That's always disappointed me, to see a guy in the crowd who doesn't look like he's having fun but i...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediatel...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the ba...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I have found when I look at an audience that the expressions on the peoples' faces aren't always up ...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink,...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is ne...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me t...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, tha...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a con...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: You know they call corn-on-the-cob,
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said,
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef....
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I want to ride in a cold air balloon.
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a ...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a ...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I remixed a remix, it was back to normal....
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of bl...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I do...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off....
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every pict...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat....
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring....
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we shou...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies....
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said,
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I play the guitar.  I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I di...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hed...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to p...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run i...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube....
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other th...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: This one commercial said,
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close....
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: Why are there no
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I do...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly.
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get ...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's be...
Quote by Mitch Hedberg: I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same....