“It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.”
“It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.”
“I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.”
“Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!”
“I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.”
“A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.”
“Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.”
“Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.”
“Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.”
“A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.”
“Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.”
“The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.”
“I like children - fried.”
“Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.”
“Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.”
“So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".”
“I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."”
“Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.”
“So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."”
“I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.”
“My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.”
“The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.”
“So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'”
“My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."”
“So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.”
