Rita Rudner Quotes

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

Human nature is largely something that has to be overcome.

Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.

I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it.

I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup.

I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me.

I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.

I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups.

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

My parents were glad to see that my new husband looks like a 'regular guy'-no earring or anything. But really I think a man with an earring is better prepared for marriage. I mean, he's already experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.

Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"

Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.

I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident.

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we're covered. He tells me who's in the movie and I tell him what's in his sandwich. Together we're human bifocals.

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me.

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

Never take candy from strangers.

My mother was the worst cook ever. In school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.

On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.'

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.

I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life.

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.

Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it's just right, they're watching TV.

I paid attention to not being a comedian, and just concentrated on being who I was. That is what you have to do. If you say you are a comedian that has been done before. If you just be who you are then you are unique. Everyone is unique.

If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.

Men don't mature. Marry a younger one.

When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can't they just get lost?

When I want to end a relationship I just say, 'You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.' Sometimes they leave skid marks.

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch.

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

I want to have young children although my mother and father are even now young sufficient to just take care of them.

I loved my mother very much, but she was not a good cook. Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. In our house Thanksgiving was a time for sorrow.

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

Men in high levels of government seldom surf.

My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

There is a woman who swam around Manhattan, and I asked her, why? She said, it hadn't ever been done before. Well, she didn't have to do that. If she wanted to something no one had ever done before, all she had to do was vacuum my apartment.

I knew so little about money I used to sign my check, "Love, Rita."

My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum.