Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

“I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.”

“When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.”

“I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.”

“Hey, did somebody step on a duck?”

“When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.”

“Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.”

“Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.”

“She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.”

“I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.”

“I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.”

“I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!”

“Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.”

“I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.”

“You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.”

“It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.”

“One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.”

“I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”

“When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first cameback my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.”

“A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.”

“I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.”

“She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).”

“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”

“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”

“My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.”

“One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.”