Phyllis Diller Quotes

“If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.”

“If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.”

“When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.”

“I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high; it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.”

“Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.”

“I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.”

“Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.”

“I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.”

“Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.”

“Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.”

“I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?”

“I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.”

“There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.”

“... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.”

“I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.”

“I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.”

“Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.”

“A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.”

“I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.”

“You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.”

“All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.”

“Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.”

“You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.”

“Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.”

“Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.”