#Satire Quotes

“Thou hast most traitorously corrupted the youth of the realm in erecting a grammar school.”

“I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.”

“The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.”

“There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.”

“It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.”

“There is no credit to being a comedian, when you have the whole Government working for you. All you have to do is report the facts. I dont even have to exaggerate.”

“Politics are receiving a lot of attention because we have nothing else to interest us. No nation in the history of the world was ever sitting as pretty. If we want anything, all we have to do is go and buy it on credit. So that leaves us without any economic problem whatever, except perhaps some day to have to pay for them. But we are certainly not thinking about that this early.”

“Our president delivered his State of the Union message to Congress. That is one of the things his contract calls for -- to tell congress the condition of the country. This message, as I say, is to Congress. The rest of the people know the condition of the country, for they live in it, but Congress has no idea what is going on in America, so the president has to tell 'em.”

“I just make what I like - warm and human stories, ones about historic characters and events, and about animals. If there is a secret, I guess it's that I never make the pictures too childish, but always try to get in a little satire of adult foibles.”

“If politics were like sports, we could ask Israel to trade us Benjamin Netanyahu for Barack Obama. Of course, we would have to throw in trillions of dollars to get Israel to agree to the deal, but it would be money well spent.”

“When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.'”

“Tell the cook of this restaurant with my compliments that these are the very worst sandwiches in the whole world, and that, when I ask for a watercress sandwich, I do not mean a loaf with a field in the middle of it.”

“The English country-gentleman galloping after a fox — the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.”

“When good Americans die, they go to Paris" "Where do bad Americans go?" "They stay in America”

“Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?”

“99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.”

“Massive potential you have and, in recognition of all this, would you mind having your salary halved.”

“Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?”

“Appraisals are where you get together with your team leader and agree what an outstanding member of the team you are, how much your contribution has been valued, what massive potential you have and, in recognition of all this, would you mind having your salary halved.”

“It is sound statesmanship to add two battleships every time our neighbour adds one and two stories to our skyscrapers every time he piles a new one on top of his to threaten our light. There is no limit to this soundness but the sky.”

“He could charm an audience an hour on a stretch without ever getting rid of an idea.”

“By and by when each nation has 20,000 battleships and 5,000,000 soldiers we shall all be safe and the wisdom of statesmanship will stand confirmed.”

“Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.”

“Public Servant: Persons chosen by the people to distribute the graft.”

“Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.”

“Do you get the feeling with Sarah Palin, in high school, she was voted least likely to write a book and most likely to burn one?”

“The world is open for play, that everything and everybody is mockable, in a wonderful way.”

“My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.”

“I said there was nothing so convincing to an Indian as a general massacre. If he could not approve of the massacre, I said the next surest thing for an Indian was soap and education. Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run; because a half-massacred Indian may recover, but if you educate him and wash him, it is bound to finish him some time or other.”

“People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.”

“Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!”

“To make fun of an administration, to make fun of anything, Mark Twain said, is the last defense of democracy.”

“Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.”

“Ronald Reagan is the world's largest Muppet.”

“Shakespeare said, "Kill all the lawyers." There were no agents then.”

“If you want to die, don't make a mistake and not quite kill yourself because the medical bills in America are hideous.”

“Really, if the lower orders don't set a good example, what on earth is the use of them?”

“I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum.”

“Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”

“I knew so little about money I used to sign my check, "Love, Rita."”

“There is a woman who swam around Manhattan, and I asked her, why? She said, it hadn't ever been done before. Well, she didn't have to do that. If she wanted to something no one had ever done before, all she had to do was vacuum my apartment.”

“Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.”

“I loved my mother very much, but she was not a good cook. Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. In our house Thanksgiving was a time for sorrow.”

“They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.”

“When I want to end a relationship I just say, 'You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.' Sometimes they leave skid marks.”

“Men don't mature. Marry a younger one.”

“Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it's just right, they're watching TV.”

“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.”

“Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.”

“My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.”