Earl Wilson

“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt.”

“Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.”

“Middle Age - later than you think and sooner than you expect.”

“Today's accent may be on youth, but the stress is still on the parents.”

“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back”

“A woman may race to get a man a gift but it always ends in a tie.”

“Benjamin Franklin may have discovered electricity, but it was the man who invented the meter who made the money.”

“To sell something, tell a woman it's a bargain; tell a man it's deductible.”

“Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough.”

“A bachelor is a guy who leans toward women - but not far enough to lose his balance.”

“A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings.”

“This is the age of bargain hunters. If it had been this way in biblical times, we'd probably have been offered another commandment free if we had accepted the first ten.”

“Experience is what enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.”

“An exhaustive study of police records shows that no woman has ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes.”

“Today, there are three kinds of people: the haves, the have-nots, and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-haves.”

“He's an honest man - you could shoot craps with him over the telephone.”

“Somebody figured it out- we have 35 million laws trying to enforce Ten Commandments.”

“Modern man drives a mortgaged car over a bond-financed highway on credit-card gas.”

“Poise: the ability to be ill at ease inconspicuously.”

“Isn't it a shame that future generations can't be here to see all the wonderful things we're doing with their money?”

“Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't.”

“Money in the bank is like toothpaste in the tube. Easy to take out, hard to put back.”

“Always remember, money isn't everything - but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense.”

“The fastest way for a politician to become an elder statesman is to lose an election.”

“Saying 'Gesundheit' doesn't really help the common cold - but its about as good as anything the doctors have come up with.”

“The man who didn't want his wife to work has been succeeded by the man who asks about her chances of getting a raise.”

“If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it.”

“Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death.”

“Many a standing ovation has been caused by someone jumping to his feet in an effort to beat the rest of the audience to the parking lot.”

“If you look like your passport photo, in all probability you need the journey.”

“There's only one kind of tax that would please everybody - one that nobody but the other guy has to pay.”

“If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”

“One way to get high blood pressure is to go mountain climbing over molehills.”

“You may not be able to read a doctor's handwriting and prescription, but you'll notice his bills are neatly typewritten.”