Groucho Marx

“I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books”

“My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.”

“The only game I like to play is "Old Maid", providing she's not too old”

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”

“Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.”

“Blood's not thicker than money.”

“Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much”

“I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.”

“The only real laughter comes from despair.”

“Money cannot buy you happiness, and happiness cannot buy you money. That might be a wise crack, but I doubt it.”

“I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name.”

“Humor is reason gone mad.”

“There was no need to inform us of the protocol involved. We were from Chicago and knew all about cement.”

“How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?”

“If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham.”

“This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.”

“I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up.”

“Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers, who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth, or eleven years in Twelveworth.”

“Whatever it is, I'm against it.”

“[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.”

“It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”

“There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.”

“The admission fee was a viper's tongue and a half-concealed stiletto. It was a sort of intellectual slaughterhouse.”

“Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.”

“Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?”

“Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?" Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.”

“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana”

“The months before my son was born,I used to yell from night to morn,'Whatever it is, I'm against it!No matter what it is or who commenced it,I'm against it!'”

“But what makes wage slaves? Wages!”

“Before you speak, make certain you have something worthwhile to say.”

“Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.”

“Only if the computers really love each other.”

“Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.”

“Time wounds all heels.”

“Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.”

“Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.”

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

“Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.”

“I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.”

“Firefly: Where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead. Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him. Firefly: Oh I see. Then, it was murder.”

“There's a man outside with a big black mustache. - Tell him I've got one.”

“I'd have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. The fellow who married her was impotent and he killed himself. I would have done the same thing.”

“He thinks I look alike!”

“Don't let the fear of the thorn keep you from the rose.”

“I hate London when it's not raining.”

“No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.”

“Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.”

“I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.”

“My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs”

“Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.”