Rita Rudner

“I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it.”

“Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.”

“Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn't have to.”

“Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.”

“When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.”

“Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.”

“The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.”

“When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.”

“I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.”

“I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.”

“I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we're covered. He tells me who's in the movie and I tell him what's in his sandwich. Together we're human bifocals.”

“If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.”

“I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup.”

“I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life.”

“Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.”

“I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.”

“Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.”

“When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.”

“Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"”

“Men don't mature. Marry a younger one.”

“Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.”

“Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.”

“Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.”

“They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.”

“The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.”

“I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy.”

“I'm going to start water skiing someday...as soon as I can separate it from being dragged by a boat.”

“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.”

“My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.”

“My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home.”

“I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups.”

“Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"”

“Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.”

“Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.”

“I loved my mother very much, but she was not a good cook. Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. In our house Thanksgiving was a time for sorrow.”

“Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.”

“I paid attention to not being a comedian, and just concentrated on being who I was. That is what you have to do. If you say you are a comedian that has been done before. If you just be who you are then you are unique. Everyone is unique.”

“If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.”

“I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.”

“It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.”

“I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.”

“Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.”

“Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.”

“If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.”

“I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.”

“My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.”

“I was going with someone for a few years, but we broke up. It was one of those things. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.”

“There is a woman who swam around Manhattan, and I asked her, why? She said, it hadn't ever been done before. Well, she didn't have to do that. If she wanted to something no one had ever done before, all she had to do was vacuum my apartment.”

“I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I have been doing the leg lifts.”

“I like whomever to come to my shows. I want people who want to see me to come see me. I don't want to force people. I don't want it to feel like a job!”