#Wordplay Quotes

“Syntax must be bad, having sin and tax in it.”

“My father was a small claims court jester.”

“I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".”

“Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?”

“Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?”

“Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.”

“If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?”

“Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?”

“I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.”

“Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?”

“I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.”

“I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."”

“Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.”

“Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?”

“Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?”

“I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'”

“Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.”

“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”

“I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.”

“Is it possible to be totally partial?”

“I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.”

“How come abbreviated is such a long word?”

“I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.”

“I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.”

“If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?”

“My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.”

“I had my coat hangers spayed.”

“A metaphor is like a simile.”

“I was an only child, eventually.”

“How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?”

“I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.”

“Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?”

“Clones are people two.”

“The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.”

“I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'”

“Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?”

“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”

“Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.”

“I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."”

“If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”

“I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.”

“Does fuzzy logic tickle?”

“I took a baby shower.”

“I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . . "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.”

“I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".”

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”

“What's another word for Thesaurus?”

“Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?”

“I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.”

“Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'”