Columnist Quotes

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

Rumor travels faster, but it don't stay put as long as truth.

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

Mother's words of wisdom: Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!

No man is great if he thinks he is.

Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to spend their first several years trying to kill themselves. If your home contains a sharp, toxic object, your baby will locate it; if your home contains no such object, your baby will try to obtain one via mail order.

A pessimist is one who builds dungeons in the air.

O, let my land be a land where Liberty Is crowned with no false patriotic wreath, But opportunity is real, and life is free, Equality is in the air we breathe.

Another important rule of affair-having: Never be discreet at the office.

The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution - 'to spew out paper.'

Rest at pale evening... A tall slim tree... Night coming tenderly Black like me

I argue very well. Just ask any of my remaining friends.

The science fair has long been a favorite educational tool in the American school system, and for a good reason: Your teachers hate you.

If you got a dollar, soak it away, put it in a savings bank, bury it, do anything but spend it. Spending when we didn't have it put us where we are today. Saving when we've got it will get us back to where we was before we went cuckoo.

Technically, Windows is an "operating system," which means that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop operating.

As long as what is is-and Georgia is Georgia-I will take Harlem for mine. At least, if trouble comes, I will have my own window to shoot from.

The man who never makes a mistake must get tired of doing nothing.

My mind works . . . two boobs never get me a job.

I can snap your spine like a toothpick.

Statistics have proven that the surest way to get anything out of the public mind and never hear of it again is to have a Senate committee appointed to look into it.

I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: “How can I get in on that?

If, when you talk to people, they keep backing away from you, it's because you're TOO CLOSE, alright? SO DON'T KEEP ADVANCING ON THEM LIKE A HUMAN GLACIER.

Syntax must be bad, having sin and tax in it.

My seeking has been to explain and illuminate the Negro condition in America and obliquely that of all human kind.

As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am.

Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.

One of the evils of democracy is, you have to put up with the man you elect whether you want him or not.

Some [soccer] players suffer four or five fatal injuries per game. That's how tough they are.

A vision, without a plan, is just a hallucination.

There's an old saying among scientific guys: "You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs, ideally by dropping a cement truck on them from a crane."

We build our temples for tomorrow, strong as we know how, and we stand on top of the mountain, free within ourselves.

I always assumed that at some point I would have to quit making jokes, get a real job and do something meaningful and productive that would actually benefit society. Fortunately this never happened.

We are always saying: Let the Law take its Course but what we really mean is: Let the Law take OUR Course.

I've never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the garage door and saying "Open!" was never a big deal, but holding that television tuner and realizing I alone control what is flashed on the screen brings out the Iacocca in me.

A lot of guys have had a lot of fun joking about Henry Ford because he admitted one time that he didn't know history. He don't know it, but history will know him. He has made more history than his critics ever read.

maybe somebody finally shot the dog.

With humor you have so many options with topics and length, I mean I can write humor essays in books now and they can be as long as I want them to be.

Are we ever going to have a federal tax system that regular people can understand?

There is an awful lot of difference between reading something and actually seeing it, for you can never tell, till you see it, just how big a liar History is.

The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.

The fellow that can only see a week ahead is always the popular fellow, for he is looking with the crowd. But the one that can see years ahead, he has a telescope but he can't make anybody believe that he has it.

Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing, and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.

It is awful hard to get people interested in corruption unless they can get some of it.

Things in our country run in spite of government, not by aid of it.

If everybody (traded his car for a horse) they would be out of debt in a couple of years. Just think, no gas, no tires, no roads to pay for.

There is nothing as easy as denouncing. It don't take much to see that something is wrong, but it does take some eyesight to see what will put it right again

Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.

By the eighties, a lot of radio stations had started playing "Sixties" music. They called it "Classic Rock," because they knew we'd be upset if they came right out and called it what it is, namely "middle-aged-person nostalgia music.

Road's in front o' me, Nothin' to do but walk.

You could be the World's greatest orator and if you don't say anything while orating, they are going to walk out on you after a while.

When I was a kid, I thought history was the most boring subject of all. I shouldn't blame my teachers; I should blame me, but I'll blame them.

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

Prosperity this Winter is going to be enjoyed by everybody that is fortunate enough to get into the poor farm.

Political elections are a good deal like marriages, there's no accounting for anyone's taste.

People don't change under governments. Governments change. People remain the same.

The public perceives there are problems with the water system, and with the efficiency of the system. We need some leadership and to provide expertise in the area of efficiency.

There is something about riding down the street on a prancing horse that makes you feel like something, even when you ain't a thing.

The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.

Where I come from, they won't let me play with this rope. They think I might hurt myself.

Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.