#Self Deprecating Quotes

“My axiom is, to succeed in business: avoid my example.”

“My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.”

“I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."”

“My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.”

“With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.”

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.”

“You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.”

“I don't get no respect, no respect at all!”

“I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.”

“I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.”

“I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.”

“When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.”

“The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.”

“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”

“One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.”

“When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first cameback my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.”

“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”

“One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.”

“I can't get no respect.”

“I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother”

“I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.”

“For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.”

“When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.”

“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.”

“The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.”

“When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.”

“It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.”

“When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"”

“I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.”

“When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.”

“I was a poster child... for birth control!”

“Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'”

“This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.”

“What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.”

“I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.”

“My memory was never loaded with anything but blank cartridges.”

“The burden of the self is lightened with I laugh at myself.”

“I'm as thick as a plank.”

“I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.”

“My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.”

“I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'”

“If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.”

“You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.”

“Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.”

“When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.”

“I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.”

“I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!”

“I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.”

“Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.”

“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”