#Dark Humor Quotes

“I think a curse should rest on me - because I love this war. I know it's smashing and shattering the lives of thousands every moment - and yet - I can't help it - I enjoy every second of it.”

“But who in war will not have his laugh amid the skulls?”

“A person seldom falls sick but the bystanders are animated with a faint hope that he will die.”

“I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.”

“There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.”

“I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck”

“What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.”

“I like children. If they're properly cooked.”

“There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.”

“Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.”

“I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.”

“I have never killed anyone, but I have often read about some guy getting his ass taken out with great pleasure”

“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'”

“I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”

“If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”

“The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.”

“Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em”

“I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.”

“I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.”

“I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.”

“For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.”

“If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

“I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.”

“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.”

“I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?”

“I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.”

“Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.”

“I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."”

“I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

“When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.”

“When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.”

“Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.”

“Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.”

“If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.”

“When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'”

“Kill two birds with one stone, feed the homeless to the hungry.”

“Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.”

“I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!”

“When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.”

“With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.”

“I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.”

“Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!”

“My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.”

“My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.”

“I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.”

“I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.”

“With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.”

“With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.”

“My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.”

“My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit”