Humor Quotes

You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap!

I don't believe in being serious about anything. I think life is too serious to be taken seriously.

Intelligence always had a pornographic influence on me.

America is such a paradoxical society, hypocritically paradoxical, that if you don't have some humor, you'll crack up.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you're the funniest person you've ever heard of.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

To sell something, tell a woman it's a bargain; tell a man it's deductible.

Those magazine dieting stories always have the testimonial of a woman who wore a dress that could slipcover New Jersey in one photo and thirty days later looked like a well-dressed thermometer.

Britney Spears has shoulders like a man.

Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!

If you even dream of beating me you'd better wake up and apologize.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying.

I am the one person who can truthfully say, I got my job through the New York Times.

2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.

I hate London when it's not raining.

I like to complain and do nothing to make things better.

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

Your lullaby would waken a drunken goblin!

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

Fruitcake is like semen, there's a lot of it about but no one wants to swallow it

I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.

No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.

If you don't know how to pronounce a word, say it loudly. Do not compound mispronunciation with inaudibility

I believe it is customary in good society to take some slight refreshment at five o'clock.

I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.

They say it is better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable, but how about a compromise like moderately rich and just moody?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

It always amazes me that spectators want to coach, coaches want to officiate, and officials just want to watch the game

The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.

There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

There's tremendous pressure, if you're in that [goverment] system, to be involved and be interested and to care about it. There's no room to say, "This is stupid."

To obtain an assured favorable response from people, it is better to offer them something for their stomachs instead of their brains.

You can fake intelligence, but you can't fake wit.

Even when I did my Broadway show, I did 15 minutes no one had seen before, because that was the night that Michael Jackson protested about Al Sharpton bailing on him. I said, "Wow, if that man bails on you, this must be really a lost cause."

I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!"

I do have big tits. Always had 'em - pushed 'em up, whacked 'em around. Why not make fun of 'em? I've made a fortune with 'em.

Thinking of getting into the leg-breaking business, so I can profitably sell crutches later.

I'm happy as a dog with two dicks

I studied every thing but never topped.... But today the toppers of the best universities are my employees

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

"You see," said Mr. Toots, "what I wanted in a wife was - in short, was sense. Money, Feeder, I had. Sense I - I had not, particularly."

A lot of boxers' features change - mainly when I fight 'em

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

I am sure of this, that if everybody was to drink their bottle a day, there would be not half the disorders in the world there are now. It would be a famous good thing for us all.

Beer's intellectual. What a shame so many idiots drink it.

I'd rather argue against a hundred idiots, than have one agree with me.

An honest politician is an oxymoron.

That's nothing - my alarm clock is set for eight.

I pledged myself to smoke but one cigar a day. I kept the cigar waiting until bedtime, then I had a luxurious time with it. But desire persecuted me every day and all day long. I found myself hunting for larger cigars...within the month my cigar had grown to such proportions I could have used it as a crutch.

To speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which I think is never advisable.

Nature makes the locust with an appetite for crops; man would have made him with an appetite for sand

My idea of heaven is a great big baked potato and someone to share it with.

No orator can top the one who can give good nicknames.