Steven Wright

“Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?”

“Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.”

“You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.”

“If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”

“When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.”

“When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'”

“How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?”

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”

“Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?”

“If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?”

“When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'”

“You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.”

“I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.”

“I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.”

“If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”

“Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.”

“If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?”

“Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.”

“How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?”

“I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.”

“I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'”

“If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?”

“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”

“I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?”

“I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.”

“Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.”

“Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.”

“I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.”

“I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it”

“I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.”

“Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”

“I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.”

“I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.”

“I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.”

“I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.”

“Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.”

“I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".”

“I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.”

“Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.”

“How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?”

“If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?”

“I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.”

“Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?”

“It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.”

“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”

“No one is listening until you make a mistake.”

“When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.”

“George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.”

“I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.”

“Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.”