#Absurdity Quotes

“And I will make it felony to drink small beer.”

“All of Creation’s a farce. Man was born as a joke. In his head his reason is buffeted Like wind-blown smoke. Life is a game. Everyone ridicules everyone else. But he who has the last laugh Laughs longest.”

“ROSENCRANTZ My lord, you must tell us where the body is, and go with us to the king. HAMLET The body is with the king, but the king is not with the body. The king is a thing - GUILDENSTERN A thing my lord? HAMLET Of nothing. Bring me to him. Hide fox, and all after!”

“A baboon in a forest is a matter of legitimate speculation; a baboon in a zoo is an object of public curiosity; but a baboon in your wife’s bed is a cause of the gravest concern.”

“Ay, when fowls have no feathers and fish have no fin.”

“Every time I see him, he's not there.”

“If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.”

“No one is ignorant that our character and turn of mind are intimately connected with the water-closet.”

“When he who hears does not know what he who speaks means, and when he who speaks does not know what he himself means, that is philosophy.”

“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.”

“I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.”

“I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.”

“Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.”

“I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.”

“All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.”

“Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!”

“Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.”

“Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.”

“So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".”

“I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."”

“Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.”

“There is something absurd in supposing a continent to be perpetually governed by an island.”

“Pedestrians never seem to realize that they are a threat to the safety of cars.”

“I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".”

“A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.”

“Do fish get cramps after eating?”

“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”

“The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."”

“I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."”

“I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.”

“I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.”

“Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.”

“If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?”

“I washed mud off of mud.”

“My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.”

“I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.”

“I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”

“My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.”

“I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.”

“There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.”

“Life is like a box of terrible analogies.”

“I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.”

“I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.”

“I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.”

“If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?”

“I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.”

“Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.”

“Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.”

“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?”

“How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?”