quotes by Comedian Quotes

“It doesn't matter how much you get; you are left wanting more.”

“I've always taken men just as I found 'em, and thank heavens I've been able to find 'em.”

“There's power in looking silly and not caring that you do.”

“Everyone has the right to run his own life- even if you're heading for a crash. What I'm against is blind flying.”

“As an actor, you can certainly, at any moment and at any time, discover 400 people who think you're stupid, fat and ugly.”

“Language is the most elementary aspect to our humanness, probably. In addition to that, it's the embodiment, it's the apotheosis of the human experience, it's the way we summarize ourselves.”

“Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?”

“If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”

“Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: 'I'm saving food!' Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: 'I'm saving my life!'”

“When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'”

“I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying.”

“Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage. I've always written in the long format, five, eight, 10-minute pieces rather than one-liners, so since writing books, the process hasn't changed much. A piece in my live routine can end up as part of one of my HBO specials, and it can also end up in one of the books.”

“Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.”

“You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.”

“If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”

“Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.”

“I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books”

“Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard”

“I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, "This is what I'm doing for sure." I was so excited.”

“My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.”

“Good women are no fun... The only good woman I can recall in history was Betsy Ross. And all she ever made was a flag.”

“I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?”

“People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.”

“There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.”

“When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.”

“XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"”

“One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.”

“I learned that by being entertaining you make a connection with another person.”

“When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'”

“How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?”

“Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.”

“The only game I like to play is "Old Maid", providing she's not too old”

“People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”

“Rooting for other people's failure does get in the way of your success.”

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”

“I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.”

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”

“I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it.”

“Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?”

“I went to my old school, where all the kids I'd been with for eight years were about to graduate. But the sisters wanted me to repeat the whole term; so I went to the principal and pleaded with her to allow me to graduate with my class. She finally agreed on the condition that I write the graduation play. It was called How Do You Spend Your Leisure Time?Catchy title, huh?”

“If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?”

“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.”

“Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.”

“There's a reason education sucks, and it's the same reason it will never ever ever be fixed. It's never going to get any better. Don't look for it. Be happy with what you've got, because the owners of this country don't want that. I'm talking about the real owners now... the real owners. The big wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions. Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice. You have owners.”

“You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.”

“Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.”

“Flattery will get you everywhere.”

“I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.”

“It ain't no sin if you crack a few laws now and then, just so long as you don't break any.”

“When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.”