W. C. Fields

“Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.”

“There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.”

“Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.”

“Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.”

“Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.”

“You can't cheat an honest man.”

“My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.”

“Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.”

“Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.”

“The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.”

“It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.”

“Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.”

“It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.”

“I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.”

“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.”

“Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!”

“You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.”

“I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.”

“A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.”

“Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?”

“Happiness means quiet nerves.”

“This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.”

“Never give a sucker an even break.”

“I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.”

“The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.”

“When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.”

“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”

“I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.”

“There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.”

“If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.”

“A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”

“Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.”

“I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.”

“You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.”

“I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.”

“Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.”

“Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.”

“It is funnier to bend things than to break them.”

“The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.”

“There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.”

“There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.”

“I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.”

“I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.”

“If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.”

“Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.”

“If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.”

“Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)”

“I never drink water... fish f**k in it.”

“I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.”

“I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.”