Wordplay Quotes

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . . "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"

E-I-E-I-O is actually a gross misspelling of the word farm.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered, "It's a Boys."

Syntax must be bad, having sin and tax in it.

Clones are people two.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

A metaphor is like a simile.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles... ...they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle bottle paddle battle.

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

My father was a small claims court jester.

I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'

Time wounds all heels.

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.

I had my coat hangers spayed.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] "Look, they nearly missed!" "Yes, but not quite.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze. That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."

Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'

A circle is a round straight line with a hole in the middle.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

How young can you die of old age?

It's a wonderful feeling to have a niece like youBecause you are always so dearYou are so dear no matter the yearBut all throughout each day of the yearThere could hardly be a town in the South of England where youcould throw a brick without hitting the niece of a bishop.

Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

Is 'tired old cliché' one?

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.

What's another word for Thesaurus?