Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

“You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.”

“The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.”

“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.”

“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”

“I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.”

“A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.”

“My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.”

“I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!”

“My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit”

“I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.”

“I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."”

“I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.”

“Comedy is a camouflage for depression.”

“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”

“To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.”

“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”

“His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.”

“You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.”

“I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!”

“I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.”

“When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.”

“I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.”

“He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.”

“My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.”

“Hey, did somebody step on a duck?”

“I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.”

“Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.”

“And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!”

“I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.”

“I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!”

“I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.”

“I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!”

“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”

“I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.”

“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.”

“When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.”

“If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.”

“When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.”

“It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.”

“Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.”

“I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”

“I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.”

“It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.”

“What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.”

“Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.”

“With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.”

“My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.”

“I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.”

“My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.”

“My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.”