Phyllis Diller

“I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.”

“They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!”

“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.”

“You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!”

“Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.”

“My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.”

“I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.”

“Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.”

“My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.”

“No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.”

“I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.”

“Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.”

“My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.”

“Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.”

“If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.”

“Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.”

“... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.”

“Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.”

“My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.”

“get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.”

“The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.”

“Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.”

“My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.”

“I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.”

“I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.”

“I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.”

“By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.”

“When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.”

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”

“My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.”

“Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.”

“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.”

“We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.”

“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”

“I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.”

“Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.”

“For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.”

“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”

“Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.”

“My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.”

“When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.”

“Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.”

“When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.”

“A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.”

“I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'”

“The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.”

“[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.”

“Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.”

“Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.”

“The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.”