Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

“I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.”

“I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.”

“I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.”

“My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.”

“If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.”

“When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.”

“The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.”

“I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.”

“Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.”

“You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.”

“His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.”

“Life is just a bowl of pits.”

“My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.”

“My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark”

“What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.”

“My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.”

“I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!”

“I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!”

“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”

“School is a place were you go to eat your lunch”

“You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.”

“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.”

“My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.”

“People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .”

“I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!”