Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

School is a place were you go to eat your lunch

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

I don't get no respect, no respect at all!

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.